Dating Tactic #567: Don’t be a Novice and Put “Real” Names in Your Phone

name cardsIf you’ve been practicing Dating Tactics #’s 1-566, you’ll run into a problem: Too many numbers in your phone. Face it, there are too many Marks, Robs, Matts, and god fucking forbid – dudes named Bruce and Craig.

Don’t be a novice and put a person’s actual name into your phone. Instead, put something in the phone that will help you remember WHO THEY REALLY ARE. For example, certain names can reference Relationship Styles (Examples: The Neglector, Dead Shark, The Dirty Alaskan.) Continue reading

Dating Tactic #678: Level the Playing Field (Read: If you want to find love, prepare to get your hands dirty and destroy someone’s life.)

photo-27There’s nothing worse than stalking your crush and then finding out that they are a PERFECTLY WELL ADJUSTED PERSON … with a lot going for them. It’s the ABSOLUTE WORST.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve clicked on a LinkedIn profile, only to spit coffee all over the place after screaming, “What!? He has a job that pays actual money ? A place to live with less than five roommates? An actual automobile with four wheels, an ignition, that takes gasoline? No. Fuck no!!!”

I have felt that pain. Even in Portland, Oregon … where the alleged candidate is practically non-existent. Continue reading

Dating Tactic #73: Get to the Nearest Detox Facility. Immediately.

Some people suggest going to a sports bar. Or spending an extremely long time in the produce section pretending to buy fruit, or lingering around the men’s room at the gun expo, or wearing a super tight pair of pants to a codependents anonymous meeting & sobbing uncontrollably, or whathaveyou. And that’s totally fine … IF YOU ENJOY WASTING YOUR TIME.

Winter is coming. Instant results = Stand on the sidewalk in front of Hooper Detox, jangling your keys. That’s it. You’re welcome. Happy holidays.


Dating Tactic #222: TINDER.

tinder foreverTINDER.

Always Tinder.

PROBLEM: All you have in the fridge are 4 expired condiments and half a rice cake. ANSWER: Tinder. PROBLEM: The guy who compared you to Miranda July and said that he would LOVE you IF ONLY you played tennis, hasn’t called you. ANSWER: Tinder. PROBLEM: Your electricity is shut off. ANSWER: Tinder. Continue reading

Review #1: The Rime of The Ancient Mariner

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

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Finally, my first Dating Advice Book Review. SO EXCITING!!! I’m starting with a heavy hitter, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. I know what you are thinking: That’s not how you spell rhyme! Okay, maybe you’ve got a point, but bare with me – It’s old timey! Okay, maybe what you are really thinking is: The Rime of the Ancient Mariner is NOT dating advice.

YOU ARE WRONG. Continue reading