Definitions

Albatross – A big white bird. More importantly, it’s a big white bird that a sea captain foolishly killed. Also: a metaphor for going through a relationship, constantly being reminded of something shitty that you did. We all have an albatross. Trust me.

Carnations – The Safeway Select version of any flower that costs actual money. These sad flowers evoke a tepid response, at best. It’s no wonder that they look like crumpled up balls of cried on kleenex – which is exactly what will be all over your girlfriend’s floor, if you hand her a bouquet of carnations.

DTM – Dead to Me. This is what you write in your phone, replacing the name of some person that you never want to speak to again.

Dutch Abortion – When a man gets a woman pregnant and offers to split the bill on the abortion. Fellas, this is not a classy move.

Fingerless mittens/gloves. How to describe these? One word: disgusting. The only people who get away with wearing these are little girls (ages 2 – 4.) Or are you a bike racer? Or are you a starving street urchin begging for scraps in a Charles Dickins novel? Or are you Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful? Or maybe you just want to scar a person for life by eating a tuna fish sandwich.

Jesse Burns – The name of the first little redhead to ever break my heart. Jesse Burns. A quiet fourth grader, good at spelling. THE BIG REJECTION happened on the playground – when Jesse Burns turned down the palmful of melted chocolate chips that I had been holding for the entirety of recess. Or maybe it was the dull “Transformer” valentine that he gave to me, signed “From Jesse B.” I read that valentine 500 times, desperate for a sign that my love was requited. But even at 9 years old, I knew: IT WASN’T. And that hurt. Bad. (For more information on how bad read the definition of Redhead Pain, below.) I don’t know what Jesse Burns is doing now. Hopefully reading this blog, slapping himself in the face, and regretting the day he was born.

Redhead pain mollyringwald2 This is the pain that comes after being rejected by a redhead. Ever experienced the sudden death of a loved one? Ever been run down by a truck and had every bone in your body broken? THIS IS MUCH WORSE. Way worse.

Suicide Valentine – How you show you care. You really really care. If you aren’t willing to die for love, then what’s the point? Suicide Valentine is the only kind of Valentine worth getting.