Dating Tactic # 789: Don’t Let Getting Dumped (by a redhead) Ruin Your Life

mollyringwald2Let me just sum up this tactic right at the beginning:

Relentlessly Pursue the Object of your Affection – Despite Rejection, Humiliation, and Heartbreak.
– Me, MENSA TRIPPLE DATING GENIUS PROFESSIONAL

In other words: YOU CAN SURVIVE GETTING DUMPED BY A REDHEAD AND MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE, STRONGER and even: WISER.

How do you think I gathered all this knowledge for these brilliant tactics you are reading now? Exactly – getting dumped by redheads, for my entire life.

This started in the fourth grade, with a little redhead jerk named Jesse Burns…. Okay, fine – he wasn’t a jerk at all. He was an adorable and I LOVED HIM. Long story short: He didn’t love me back AND THAT SHIT HURT. But I kept going. And that’s EXACTLY what you will do.

Some idiot once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. albert-einstein

You know who that person was? A Quitter.

Some of you may remember a certain facebook post – wherein I alluded to being dumped by a redhead (which happens approximately every four months, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, seasonally.) Being rejected by a redhead brings it’s own special kind of pain – it changes you. It’s like being through a war. You’ll never be the same.

How does it feel to FAIL OVER and OVER again as you are repeatedly dumped by redheads who, for some mystical reason, don’t love you back? IT FEELS AMAZING. It’s a special kind of pain. Next level. It’s the redhead pain. Ever experienced the sudden death of a loved one? Ever been run down by a truck and had every bone in your body broken? THIS IS MUCH WORSE. Way worse. Once it happens, you will never fear anything again. And, once it happens, I ask you:

WILL YOU RISE, WALKING OUT OF THE FIRE LIKE A FUCKING PHEONIX, RISING FROM THE ASHES?

OR… will you curl up reading Nora Ephron novels, Netflixing your nights away, and crying yourself to sleep like a stupid baby? If you’re a phoenix, please read on. We’ve got MANY tactics to cover. The woods are lovely, dark and deep – but we’ve got promises to keep, and miles to go before we sleep, miles to go before we sleep. Admission: I stole that last line from Robert Frost. Jesse Burns, are you reading this, you heartless bastard?

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