Dating Tactic # 568: Stop at Nothing to Get the Love You Know You Deserve

photo 3Right now you are looking at a picture of my face, asking it: “Heather, how can I possibly get the love that I know I deserve?”

HOW indeed. Let me help you. Everyone knows that I’m Old Fashioned when it comes to romance. Similar to my predecessors… Yeats, Baudelaire, Charlie Sheen, I believe in sending a strong, memorable message to the object of my affection – so they know EXACTLY what my intentions are. (Read: to love him super hard, forever, till death do us part, etc.)

How do I stand out from the crowd and shine bright like a diamond? Simple: VALENTINES.

Let me ask you this one thing: Is there a better way to show that you mean business than by giving your Intended a Valentine in November, August, or ANYTIME you run into that special DTM???

ANSWER: No, there isn’t. Valentines are the best.

Are you hearing what I’m telling you?!!?! Get some Valentines. Make sure you have them on you AT ALL TIMES. GET PREPARED, PEOPLE. Put that shit in your purse, so that you have one the next time you “accidentally run into” that DTM at the taco cart. (Where he eats lunch every day, between approximately 12:05 and 12:13 PM, and orders two asada, two carnitas, with an extra red sauce. And then he says “gracias” because he knows how to be culturally appropriate. You love it. Your heart is on fuego. )

Seriously though, WHO waits until February to give out Valentines?!? I’ll tell you who: People who will anguish and eventually die all alone in the vast empty pit of their own loveless despair. NOW PAY ATTENTION.

I’ve included some examples of Valentines I’ve made. photo 5-2photo 4-1match gas v-tine

These have it all : devotion, artistic whimsy, along with the subtle undertone of mortality … which will remind my SPECIAL SOMEONE that we (or just him, or me, or us both together) could die any fucking second. My point: it’s time to start loving Heather Ackles super hard.

Like, right fucking now.