Dating Tactic #567: Don’t be a Novice and Put “Real” Names in Your Phone

name cardsIf you’ve been practicing Dating Tactics #’s 1-566, you’ll run into a problem: Too many numbers in your phone. Face it, there are too many Marks, Robs, Matts, and god fucking forbid – dudes named Bruce and Craig.

Don’t be a novice and put a person’s actual name into your phone. Instead, put something in the phone that will help you remember WHO THEY REALLY ARE. For example, certain names can reference Relationship Styles (Examples: The Neglector, Dead Shark, The Dirty Alaskan.)

Some names can indicate a particular manner of courtship. (Examples: Pizza Coupon, Dutch Abortion, The Situation – because he is crazy cannot be trusted.) Sometimes names can be instructions, so that you know what to do when that person calls. (Example: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT ANSWERING THIS or IS IT PAST 11 PM? THEN NO FUCKING WAY.)

A word of advice: Don’t duplicate names. OKAY?? Learn from Heather Ackles mistakes. Don’t get lazy and use the acronym DTM (Dead to Me) for three people. Because one cold November night, one of these DTMs may not seem so bad … perhaps you think you could salvage it. Maybe you saw a DTM eating a bagel in a regular coffee shop, where perfectly nice people go. His eyes glimmer with recognition, he’s wearing a soft wool sweater, and you wonder: Maybe I was too rash? Maybe I was hasty to judge? Maybe DTM isn’t DTM?

And then you’re faced with a dilemma: Do I text every DTM in my phone in order to track this dude down and rekindle the flame? Good question. That takes us to Ackles Dating Tactic #568: Impulse control is for people who want to die alone, STOP AT NOTHING TO GET THE LOVE YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE.