Dating Tactic #563: Stop Being Nice

HA#1Happy Holidays Everyone!

It’s the season of GIVING, so I’ve got a special seasonal tactic for you: STOP GIVING. I wouldn’t be in the position that I am today (A DATING ADVICE GURU TRIPPLE MENSA) if it weren’t for one simple fact: I’VE MADE SOME MISTAKES. I know. A big person can admit that. And that’s exactly what I am: A big person with … an EVEN BIGGER HEART. And that’s exactly the problem: TOO NICE.

See, I’ve looked back on my past relationships and asked myself: WHAT WENT WRONG?

And do you know what my problem is? I’ll tell you – TOO NICE. The time that I that showed up at your office, wearing a cupid costume (that I made out of toilet paper) and personally delivered a singing telegram (You Light Up My Life) to celebrate our three-week anniversary? TOO NICE.

The time that I had to trick your mom into sending me your baby photo so that I could lacquer a 5X5 version of it (photo-shopped with my own baby photo) to your apartment wall, on our 34 day-5 hour-45 minute anniversary with the super sweet note that I wrote:

THE ONLY THING CUTER THAN US AS BABIES TOGETHER, IS US HAVING BABIES TOGETHER.

Right? Again: TOO NICE.

Or how about the time I flew across the country and surprised you at your family reunion in Martha’s Vineyard and performed a riveting, 4 hour, one-woman play (that I wrote and starred in) re: the life of Miracle Worker, Helen Keller? blind girlThere wasn’t a dry eye in the house by the time I was finished with that masterpiece! You fucker. Again, TOO NICE.

So, the next time you feel like doing something super sweet for someone, tamp that urge down. It’s hard though. I get it. Sometimes that shit just comes natural. I know, because I’m a natural Giver. And being a Giver means giving until there’s nothing left inside – eventually you’re just a empty aching shell, drinking soy eggnog from a carton in your basement apartment, tears streaming down your face while Jimmy Stewart stutters something poignant in it’s A Wonderful Life.

jimmy

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets it’s wings. I don’t care if my tactic doesn’t make sense anymore, because that’s how depressed I am thinking about all those times I was so fucking nice.

My Point: Don’t be Too Nice.