Dating Tactic: #4: Don’t Be Yourself.

slayer t shirtDon’t be yourself.

THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT.

I’ll repeat it: DON’T BE YOURSELF.

Remember all those things you enjoy doing? Your interests? Hobbies? Life’s passion? That’s the last time you’ll be thinking of them. BECAUSE NOW I WANT YOU TO FORGET THOSE THINGS. Where have they gotten you?

That’s right: ALONE.

Now you are asking, “But Heather, if I don’t like the things that I like, what do I like?” Easy. You like EVERYTHING your Special Someone likes. It’s hard, I know. Get used to saying the words: “I just love laying here on a drizzling beach, holding this mildewed paperback, for hours, while you go catch the waves. It’s Radical. I support you.” (Learn the lingo.)

Maybe it’s worse: Maybe he loves death metal and, god fucking forbid, kickball. SUCK IT UP, LADIES – because you’re going to see Slayer at the Amory this weekend. Before you get all scared of being raped by a white supremacist, while meekly holding your boyfriend’s sweat soaked concert t-shirt as he disappears into the vast abyss of a moshpit and everything you wanted to forget about 1998, just ask yourself: DO I WANT TO DIE ALONE? No, of course you don’t.

It’s time to make a few small sacrifices. And so what if your “identity” is one of them?

Repeat after me: “What’s that? Use all my vacation time to travel to a group of islands off the coast of Africa that I’ve never heard of before, so that I can sleep in a lean-two without running water or electricity? I thought you’d never ask!”

“What’s that? A weekend with your demented aunt and your autistic cousin in Coos Bay? I’ll pack my bags now!”

Now, say the words: “You’d like to spend the evening watching a documentary about Siberian trappers?

That’s crazy – That’s EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO!

We are so alike you and I. Sooooo very alike.