Maybe you haven’t heard from your Special Someone … in weeks. OR … Maybe it’s been MONTHS. Maybe your third, fourth, or seventeenth text message(s) have gone unanswered.
Maybe he’s on vacation with another woman. Like his wife, just for example.
Don’t worry. There is a solution: You must ramp up your efforts and MAKE THAT FUCKER JEALOUS.
“But Heather, no one wants to date me – so how am I supposed to make him jealous?”
I am familiar with this problem. VERY FAMILIAR. There have been times (weeks? months?) when I haven’t received a single phone call. Even my Facebook page is in a constant state of paralysis – not a single one of my latest 200 status updates have been been liked. (Even when I’ve pulled out all the stops – like heartfelt sentiments: Bring our troops home. Feed the children. Stop terrorism. Etcetera. What did I get in response? Nothing. Zilch. Nada.)
Just mark the diary “VERY PERSONAL.” “DON’T READ THIS” and leave it where he’s sure to find it. (Like on the passenger seat of his car or in his gym bag.) What goes inside Ye Olde Fake Diary is up to you. I like to keep it simple – recent entries cataloging various marriage proposals.
Occasionally, I’ll write about a personal crisis. Example: Do I go on that trip to the Riveria with Tony? I’m afraid that it might upset _________ (enter some other dudes name here – not the name of your Special Someone, probably best to go with a latin or russian sounding name, for sophistication’s sake.) Or here’s another conundrum: How do I tell Rodrigo that the diamond tennis bracelet is too heavy for my wrist?
Of course, you’ll need to pad the diary with “filler” so that it’s more convincing. In order to conserve valuable creative energy, I pull material from famous people’s diaries. You can also do this.
*** Although I don’t recommend using Anne Frank’s diary. As a novice, I plagiarized some shit from AF (at least three paragraphs, specifically discussing the ins and outs of how my family hid in a room behind a bookcase in the Netherlands.) To make a long story short, I’ll just say that Ye Olde Fake Diary Trick backfired on me that one time.
Otherwise, this tactic is solid.
If you’re an over-acheiver, try these other tricks:
*Ye Olde Fake Trip to the Coast. “Can’t make it this weekend, I’m going away with Javier, to Yahats.”
*Ye Olde Fake Flower Bouquet. “Who got these for me …? A friend.” (This works, as long as they aren’t carnations – the shittiest flower to ever grace God’s Green Earth)
*Ye constant text messages/phone calls from an anonymous paramour. “Oh look, I’m getting a very important phone call, I’ll have to take this in the other room.” Excuse yourself, then loudly, pretend to talk on the phone: “I told you I can’t accept that trip to Milan.” And then, pause and say: “No, the ring was beautiful. Thank you.”