Dating Tactic 17: MAKE HIM JEALOUS

phone in the rain

Maybe you haven’t heard from your Special Someone … in weeks. OR … Maybe it’s been MONTHS. Maybe your third, fourth, or seventeenth text message(s) have gone unanswered.

Maybe he’s on vacation with another woman. Like his wife, just for example.

Don’t worry. There is a solution: You must ramp up your efforts and MAKE THAT FUCKER JEALOUS. Continue reading

Dating Tactic: #4: Don’t Be Yourself.

slayer t shirtDon’t be yourself.


I’ll repeat it: DON’T BE YOURSELF.

Remember all those things you enjoy doing? Your interests? Hobbies? Life’s passion? That’s the last time you’ll be thinking of them. BECAUSE NOW I WANT YOU TO FORGET THOSE THINGS. Where have they gotten you?

That’s right: ALONE. Continue reading

Dating Tactic #563: Stop Being Nice

HA#1Happy Holidays Everyone!

It’s the season of GIVING, so I’ve got a special seasonal tactic for you: STOP GIVING. I wouldn’t be in the position that I am today (A DATING ADVICE GURU TRIPPLE MENSA) if it weren’t for one simple fact: I’VE MADE SOME MISTAKES. I know. A big person can admit that. And that’s exactly what I am: A big person with … an EVEN BIGGER HEART. And that’s exactly the problem: TOO NICE. Continue reading

Dating Tactic # 789: Don’t Let Getting Dumped (by a redhead) Ruin Your Life

mollyringwald2Let me just sum up this tactic right at the beginning:

Relentlessly Pursue the Object of your Affection – Despite Rejection, Humiliation, and Heartbreak.


How do you think I gathered all this knowledge for these brilliant tactics you are reading now? Exactly – getting dumped by redheads, for my entire life. Continue reading

Dating Tactic # 568: Stop at Nothing to Get the Love You Know You Deserve

photo 3Right now you are looking at a picture of my face, asking it: “Heather, how can I possibly get the love that I know I deserve?”

HOW indeed. Let me help you. Everyone knows that I’m Old Fashioned when it comes to romance. Similar to my predecessors… Yeats, Baudelaire, Charlie Sheen, I believe in sending a strong, memorable message to the object of my affection – so they know EXACTLY what my intentions are. (Read: to love him super hard, forever, till death do us part, etc.)

How do I stand out from the crowd and shine bright like a diamond? Simple: VALENTINES. Continue reading

Dating Tactic #567: Don’t be a Novice and Put “Real” Names in Your Phone

name cardsIf you’ve been practicing Dating Tactics #’s 1-566, you’ll run into a problem: Too many numbers in your phone. Face it, there are too many Marks, Robs, Matts, and god fucking forbid – dudes named Bruce and Craig.

Don’t be a novice and put a person’s actual name into your phone. Instead, put something in the phone that will help you remember WHO THEY REALLY ARE. For example, certain names can reference Relationship Styles (Examples: The Neglector, Dead Shark, The Dirty Alaskan.) Continue reading

Dating Tactic #678: Level the Playing Field (Read: If you want to find love, prepare to get your hands dirty and destroy someone’s life.)

photo-27There’s nothing worse than stalking your crush and then finding out that they are a PERFECTLY WELL ADJUSTED PERSON … with a lot going for them. It’s the ABSOLUTE WORST.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve clicked on a LinkedIn profile, only to spit coffee all over the place after screaming, “What!? He has a job that pays actual money ? A place to live with less than five roommates? An actual automobile with four wheels, an ignition, that takes gasoline? No. Fuck no!!!”

I have felt that pain. Even in Portland, Oregon … where the alleged candidate is practically non-existent. Continue reading

Dating Tactic #73: Get to the Nearest Detox Facility. Immediately.

Some people suggest going to a sports bar. Or spending an extremely long time in the produce section pretending to buy fruit, or lingering around the men’s room at the gun expo, or wearing a super tight pair of pants to a codependents anonymous meeting & sobbing uncontrollably, or whathaveyou. And that’s totally fine … IF YOU ENJOY WASTING YOUR TIME.

Winter is coming. Instant results = Stand on the sidewalk in front of Hooper Detox, jangling your keys. That’s it. You’re welcome. Happy holidays.


Dating Tactic #222: TINDER.

tinder foreverTINDER.

Always Tinder.

PROBLEM: All you have in the fridge are 4 expired condiments and half a rice cake. ANSWER: Tinder. PROBLEM: The guy who compared you to Miranda July and said that he would LOVE you IF ONLY you played tennis, hasn’t called you. ANSWER: Tinder. PROBLEM: Your electricity is shut off. ANSWER: Tinder. Continue reading