Tinder Annals: ONE BAD CHERRY AKA: BASIC INSTINCT

Mediocrity, cha ching.

“I was paying over three grand a month for a one bedroom apartment in San Francisco. And that’s why I decided to move here and buy a house. I get that I’m displacing people …  and families. You should have seen the family that sold their home to me. Nice people. Wish they could have stayed, but it just made sense for them – financially – to sell their house to me. They wanted to be able to send their kids to college one day. And there’s nothing I can do about that – it’s just true,” my date looked down at his drink, swirling the ice around. It took him eight minutes to order it. And now he was looking down at this top shelf liquor with mild disdain. I guess we were all feeling some buyers remorse on this date.

This little speech about “displacing people” was his way of letting me know that he owned a big fancy house. But mostly it felt like a douchey ploy, veiled as a confession to absolve him of his classist guilt and create a veneer of intimacy.

I could hear myself say, “that sounds tough.”

Moving on.

Not sure how we got to the next topic: FRUIT. He told me that he didn’t eat fruit. WHY? When he was four years old, he ate a bad cherry and that turned him off fruit forever.

“I think it must have been rotten,” he said.

“How about peaches?”

“Nope.” Continue reading

Tinder Annals: Mongoloid

You Love MeAnd he wore a hat
And he had a job
And he brought home the bacon
So that no one knew
He was a mongoloid
Mongoloid, he was a mongoloid
Happier than you and me
– Devo, “Mongoloid”

The date took place at a bar. We sit at a table, across from one another.

Approximately 5 minutes in, I learn that my date went to (insert name of prestigious east coast design school here) and studied with (insert name of famous person here.) He eventually landed a job at (insert equally prestigious edgy advertising agency) – but not until he traveled and “experienced” (insert names of various countries that I’ve never even heard of.) Then, he pointed to the label on a beer bottle and said, “I designed that.” He pointed to a pair of tennis shoes that a person was wearing, “and I designed those.” And then, modestly, “just the color scheme.”

My date took a sip of his craft beer and stared into my eyes – waiting for me to talk.

Continue reading

Paul. It Doesn’t Matter Anymore. Paul. Paul. Paul.

photo (2)Neil knows me. The way that coworkers can know a person.

Neil sits four feet away from me. Most mornings, he’s there before I am. He sees me from the moment my day begins, as I slip off my shoes into other shoes – leaning into the mirror, inspecting my mascara, questioning the cleanliness of my blouse.

Neil stares at his computer, but he knows what I’m doing. When you are forced to be around a person for 8 hours of a day, five days a week … you can’t help it. They are your environment. That’s what we are to each other, Neil and I. There are natural exchanges – gum, tea, cash, snacks, snide emails, and inside jokes that make zero sense to anyone but us.

A coworker like Neil will know your weaknesses. Continue reading

Dating Tactic 17: MAKE HIM JEALOUS

phone in the rain

Maybe you haven’t heard from your Special Someone … in weeks. OR … Maybe it’s been MONTHS. Maybe your third, fourth, or seventeenth text message(s) have gone unanswered.

Maybe he’s on vacation with another woman. Like his wife, just for example.

Don’t worry. There is a solution: You must ramp up your efforts and MAKE THAT FUCKER JEALOUS. Continue reading

Dating Tactic: #4: Don’t Be Yourself.

slayer t shirtDon’t be yourself.

THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT.

I’ll repeat it: DON’T BE YOURSELF.

Remember all those things you enjoy doing? Your interests? Hobbies? Life’s passion? That’s the last time you’ll be thinking of them. BECAUSE NOW I WANT YOU TO FORGET THOSE THINGS. Where have they gotten you?

That’s right: ALONE. Continue reading

Dating Tactic #563: Stop Being Nice

HA#1Happy Holidays Everyone!

It’s the season of GIVING, so I’ve got a special seasonal tactic for you: STOP GIVING. I wouldn’t be in the position that I am today (A DATING ADVICE GURU TRIPPLE MENSA) if it weren’t for one simple fact: I’VE MADE SOME MISTAKES. I know. A big person can admit that. And that’s exactly what I am: A big person with … an EVEN BIGGER HEART. And that’s exactly the problem: TOO NICE. Continue reading

Dating Tactic # 789: Don’t Let Getting Dumped (by a redhead) Ruin Your Life

mollyringwald2Let me just sum up this tactic right at the beginning:

Relentlessly Pursue the Object of your Affection – Despite Rejection, Humiliation, and Heartbreak.
– Me, MENSA TRIPPLE DATING GENIUS PROFESSIONAL

In other words: YOU CAN SURVIVE GETTING DUMPED BY A REDHEAD AND MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE, STRONGER and even: WISER.

How do you think I gathered all this knowledge for these brilliant tactics you are reading now? Exactly – getting dumped by redheads, for my entire life. Continue reading

Dating Tactic # 568: Stop at Nothing to Get the Love You Know You Deserve

photo 3Right now you are looking at a picture of my face, asking it: “Heather, how can I possibly get the love that I know I deserve?”

HOW indeed. Let me help you. Everyone knows that I’m Old Fashioned when it comes to romance. Similar to my predecessors… Yeats, Baudelaire, Charlie Sheen, I believe in sending a strong, memorable message to the object of my affection – so they know EXACTLY what my intentions are. (Read: to love him super hard, forever, till death do us part, etc.)

How do I stand out from the crowd and shine bright like a diamond? Simple: VALENTINES. Continue reading